The WMF Archives

By Angela Atkinson

When I started this post, I planned to make a legitimate list of types of writers. It occurred to me that our readers might be interested to find out where they fit into the spectrum. Plus, I thought, those who were still searching for their niche might find a post like this really helpful.

But then, I read this article written in 2000 by Terje Johansen. It is such a comprehensive list that I wanted to share it with our readers. So here's the link.

Be sure to check it out--tons of good info.

Then it occurred to me that a link wasn't much of a post. I thought hey, our readers could probably use a laugh today. In that spirit, please enjoy the following.

The Lost My Real Job Writer

This is that guy down the street who either lost his "real" job or who can't seem to find one. One day, he learns that he can make a few bucks writing articles on the internet, so he figures what the heck--let's do this.

He cranks out sub-standard article after sub-standard article, filling the internet with his poorly worded, un-punctuated drivel. He never attempts to sharpen his skills--after all, that "anybody can write for 'em" website is paying him two bucks an article. If he churns out ten a day, he's made a whole twenty bucks. All while he sits in his undies eating soggy cereal. And don't forget the headphones on which he listens to the 80s station too loud (most likely to drown out the sound of his wife begging him to get off his butt and get a real job.)

The Resume Conscious Writer

This writer is similar to the "lost my real job" guy, but she's actually trying. She is likely a stay at home mom who plans to go back to her "real job" when her kids are in school. She writes because she wants to avoid a "hole" in her resume (because even though it's illegal to discriminate against a woman for taking time off to mother her children, it happens--and she knows it.) She's a smart one.

She may not have always "wanted" to be a writer, but she can write functionally and is willing to keep learning as she goes. She may be very driven (mostly by the need to help pay the bills) and writes between changing diapers and doing dishes.

The Wanna Be

This writer is one who may be very talented, but who has no motivation to get the work done. Or, she may feel that she's not good enough or capable enough to actually submit a query letter for that book she has had written for years.

In either case, the wanna be writer is mostly held back by her own mind. She need to learn to believe in herself and stick to the plan, man.

The Editor's Nightmare

This writer is super-prolific, cranking out pages and pages of work every day. And, much to the chagrin of every editor within a thousand mile radius, he is also a prolific query writer and manuscript-submitter.

Unfortunately, this writer isn't capable of constructing a proper sentence and hasn't met a typo he didn't like. Oh, and he uses fancy, colorful fonts on matching paper--you know, just to give his work that extra "something."

The good news? The editors find that his colorful paper makes beautiful confetti that really dresses up the slush pile.

The Natural

The Natural has been writing since she could hold a pen. She was probably a staff member for her school newspaper and/or yearbook. She has always known that she would be a writer, and it comes very, well, naturally for her. She takes it very seriously and is offended when people call writing a hobby. It's a passion, dammit. Just ask her.

Even when she wasn't actively pursuing publishing, you could find her scribbling into a notebook. She can't NOT write. (She knows, because she's tried. And subsequently went insane, only to return to sanity after composing a haiku in the bathroom at that party.)

The Guru

This is that guy who knows EVERYTHING there is to know about writing because he's seen it/done it all. He's an award-winning writer, he's been around the block a few times--and the best part?

He's willing to share all of his secrets with anyone who wants to hear them. In fact, he seems passionate about helping his fellow writers. Maybe this is because he loves doing it, but somewhere, deep inside, we suspect it may be that he's trying to rid the world of poorly written crap. Just saying.

The Snob

We all know this one. She thinks that her poop doesn't stink, and she likes to tell everyone else all about her accomplishments. And she's got them to brag about.

Like the guru, she has been around the block a few times and may even be well known in the publishing community.

But don't ask her for advice, my friend. Step away from the snob. She will only tell you what you can read in an 8th grade composition book. Why? Because secretly, she's insecure and afraid that if she shares her insider knowledge with you, you might just take her place in the publishing world.

Now, would you please stop looking at her agent that way? She already told you that he's not taking new clients!

What Kind of Writer Are YOU?